PANEL INTERVIEW AT HELLFEST 2017
STEEL PANTHER: Welcome to our press conference, if you fell so obliged please feel free to take your shirts off.
REPORTER: I WAS AT YOUR SHOW LATE LAST YEAR, BEST SHOW, SO MY QUESTION IS, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FOR THIS SHOW?
STIX: I think we can expect a lot of people to get rocked and a lot of boobies to be shown during our show.
SATCHEL: Many, many, many des seins. I love this country and I love the beautiful women here and I love there vaginas and I’m going to try and see as many vaginas as possible.
MICHAEL STARR: Me too, yay!!
SATCHEL: Good answer, just like I taught you
MICHAEL STARR: Thank you satchel
REPORTER: I WAS AT THE SHOW CASE IN LAST YEAR GREAT SHOW CASE VERY FUNNY, DID YOU LEARN SOME NEW STUFF FOR FRENCH GIRLS TO MAKE THEM CRAZIER?
MICHAEL STARR: I did actually, I learnt how to do this thing with my tongue, it’s like the weirdest thing, I do the French alphabet on their vagina and it drives them completely crazy.
REPORTER: That’s a good one
MICHAEL STARR: Yeah it’s a great one
MICHAEL STARR: Have you tried that one?
SATCHEL: Nah, I haven’t I don’t know the alphabet
MICHAEL STARR: You don’t know the alphabet
SATCHEL: Not in French
MICHAEL Starr: What are you going to do with the American Alphabet?
SATCHEL: I have done it on the butt hole before
MICHAEL STARR: On a butt hole
SATCHEL: Yep that’s crazy
TRAVIS: What was his name?
SATCHEL: Alex, Sorry Michael
MICHAEL STARR: You got in Alex’s butt hole, that’s crazy
SATCHEL: Was it Alex, Stix
STIX: It was Alex
LEXXI FOXX: I remember Alex, I love Alex
SATCHEL: Alex is a good friend of ours, he passed away though
TWINMUSIX: THROUGHOUT YOUR HISTORY YOU HAVE HAD A LOT OF NAME CHANGES FROM METAL SKOOL TO METAL SHOP TO STEEL PANTHER, WOULD YOU EVERY CONSIDER RE-RELEASING THAT ALBUM?
LEXXI FOXX: That’s a good question by the way
MICHAEL STARR: We would like to re-issue it at some point but then maybe we might put it on a record, we don’t know yet. We are just still deciding. Right now it’s a collector’s item so if you can pick one up then pick it up because we only made 3,000 of them.
SATCHEL: No there is only 4 of them, for about four thousand dollars on ebay right now
LEXXI FOXX: But its adman good record
TWINMUSIX: They are three hundred on ebay
STIX: They are three hundred on e-bay, that’s fucking awesome
SATCHEL: I’ll sell it to you for six bucks
TWINMUSIX: Ok deal
REPORTER: I HAVE A QUESTION FOR LEXXI, YOU HAVE A BIG INFLUENCE ON MY HAIR STYLE, COULD YOU TELL ME WHAT YOUR SECRET IS?
LEXXI FOXX: Well I get it cut every six months, you want the hot oil to stay in there and you lay in the sun as much as you possibly can. And since you lay in the sun your hair is going to look beautiful but your face is going to look ketchup so then just go and get plastic surgery and shave your beard.
SATCHEL: And also sometimes when he’s on the tour bus, we party a lot and sometimes there is sperm that gets in his hair and that makes him look better.
LEXXI FOXX: Don’t rinse it out; just keep it in there as long as you can. Even though it’s kind of humiliating keep it in there because it’s going to look bitchin.
SATCHEL: Yes, sperm is very very good for your hair; ladies if you want to try it come back stage
LEXXI FOXX: Come back stage you said
SATCHEL: Haha woooo
REPORTER: SO YOU BELONG TO THE WORLD OF GLAM METAL WITH BANDS LIKE NIKKI SIXX, HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN YOUR BANDS REVIVAL?
STIX: How do we explain the revival of our style of music, is that the question?
MICHAEL STARR: Yeah by those other bands that are starting to do what we do
SATCHEL: Well I think other bands see us and they go holy shit those guys are fucking awesome, look how fucking bitchin they look and there fucking music is amazing and they get so much more pussy than us. Like what can we do to get more pussy and sound bitchin like Steel Panther.
Well the first thing is, you have to prioritize, ok. Before we do records we make sure that we look fucking awesome. Look at Lexxi’s face, he always has a mirror in front of his face. You know Michael Starr is 72 years old, but look at his face; he still looks like he is in his fucking early 50’s alright.
MICHAEL STARR: Thanks satchel we love you
SATCHEL: Look at Stix he just fucking did his hair this morning, he looks amazing
STIX: Thanks bro
LEXXI FOXX: And look at satchel, satchel puts his time into it too, you look beautiful, your hair looks beautiful, your butt looks great. Look at that ass girls, look at that ass, it’s beautiful
SATCHEL: You know we take pride in the way we look and before we ever write a song we make sure we look good, and if anyone starts to look bad in this fucking band, you’re gone, we will fucking fire them. Except for the drummer because the standard isn’t quite as high for our drummer.
STIX: That’s cool, that’s good to know.
MICHAEL STARR: We have to look good before we can sound good and then of course we write songs about real shit that happens. Like the song going in the back door, that’s a real song about going in the back door ladies, ok.
SATCHEL: Hang on, Hang on, I just got some new information; our press conference is sold out
STIX: That’s Fucking Awesome
LEXXI FOXX: And you know what, that’s because of you people.
SATCHEL: Tickets were free but that’s still good, that’s still good.
STIX: This is the best press we have ever played in front of
MICHAEL STARR: We have another new song, poontang boomerang, how many people have heard poontang boomerang?
Ok I have great news about that, that song has been downloaded over 75 times
LEXXI FOXX: It’s a big deal
REPORTER: YOU LOOK LIKE REAL EXPERTS IN LOVE, I KNOW YOU HAVE TOURED ALL OVER THE WORLD AND I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THE HOTTEST PLACE IS FOR YOU?
STIX: Like temperature wise or sexy wise
MICHAEL STARR: The best place to get laid and party is a steel panther show wherever we are at, and I’m serious because the people that come and see our show they love the music, they like the band and they like to fuck, and they like to party and they like pizza.
LEXXI FOXX: Yep, who doesn’t like pizza, everybody likes pizza
SATCHEL: Fuck yeah, if you don’t like pizza there is something wrong with you
MICHAEL STARR: If your hand didn’t go up it’s probably because it’s holding pizza right now
LEXXI FOXX: You’re a pizza holder
SATCHEL: Now this is the best fucking press conference we have ever done, thank you
REPORTER: YOU GUYS ARE DECENT MUSICIANS; YOU ARE IN THE DECENT CATEGORY
SATCHEL: That’s the best compliment we have gotten all day
MICHAEL Starr: Decent category, I like it
REPORTER: WHEN ARE YOU GUYS GOING TO DO AN ALBUM THAT’S NOT CLICHÉ AND DO SOMETHING THAT REPRESENTS PURELY WHERE YOU ARE AT?
MICHAEL STARR: Nobody knows what cliché means
SATCHEL: What do you mean?
STIX: Cliché is an appetiser
REPORTER: Cliché is um lemon and the cover
MICHAEL STARR: Like Aerosmith?
MICHAEL STARR: I love Aerosmith
REPORTER: DO YOU LIKE SOME FRENCH BANDS? AND MY SECOND QUESTION IS DO YOU PREFER SEX TOGETHER OR ONE ON ONE?
STIX: Well I can tell you, we prefer sex any way we can get it
SATCHEL: At our age it’s very hard to get a boner, so ah we take the boner pills and then whoever is left in the room by the time we can get a boner, we fuck them. Also Gojira is a French band and they are fucking awesome, so there is some really talented bands. I mean they are getting paid way more than us now. They got paid two hundred dollars at there last gig. We normally just get paid in beer. Who’s your favourite French band?
STIX: I like a French duo called Air, I like to put that on at the end of the night and get really, really stoned, and fall asleep.
SATCHEL: Like take some drugs
STIX: You know air right? You know the band called Air?
MICHAEL STARR: Would someone tell the Gardner to stop moving the lawn?
Would someone tell the boat to stop going by?
REPORTER: WE HAD AN INTERVIEW SOME YEARS AGO, AND YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO BE AS HUGE AS DEF LEOPARD, IS IT OK NOW?
MICHAEL STARR: There is always room to grow, headline festivals throughout the world, play stadiums, and play on the moon. Just basically get huge right? I think we are well on the way to being as big as def leopard. I mean I love def leopard. Though they have sold more records than us.
TRAVIS HALEY: So what, we have more arms
MICHAEL STARR: We don’t actually; they have one more arm than us. But I think we have actually had sex with more girls, than def leopard at this point.
LEXXI FOXX: It’s a big deal
SATCHEL: She knows what we are talking about
MICHAEL STARR: she knows what we are talking about. By weight we have fucked more girls than us.
TWINMUSIX: RECENTLY WE HAVE SEEN YOU PAIR YOURSELF WITH PEOPLE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR MUSICAL TALENT LIKE JEREMEY REINER AND DANE COOK, WHAT DO YOU FIND MOST REWARDING ABOUT SINGING WITH THESE ARTISTS?
MICHAEL STARR: Singing with Dane Cook, he a comedian and he teach me to sing a little bit out of key, which is cool because it makes me see human dude. But I really enjoy singing with Cos Mine and Rudolf Schenker it was the highlight of my life. I play with Joe Elliot, Brett Michaels, Steven Tyler, Joe Perry and Paul Geary.
And I had sex with; you know who Kelly Clarkson is? I had sex with Kelly Clarkson so make some noise.
READ THE STEEL PANTHER ARTICLE AND ALBUM REVIEW HERE: